Right, well, Premier League Matchday 27 has concluded, and I'm pleased to report that absolutely nothing happened. Nine goals across ten matches, with eight draws that were so thrilling they — HOLD ON. I've just been handed a note from the Department of Football Excitement Regulation stating that describing eight nil-nil draws as "thrilling" constitutes a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act. We apologize. Eight draws occurred. They existed. Moving on.
The round's chief weapons were: tedium, predictability, and an almost fanatical devotion to not scoring goals. THREE — the round's THREE chief weapons were tedium, predictability, fanatical devotion to not scoring, and a ruthless efficiency at — I'll come in again.
Match Reports (Such As They Are)
At Stamford Bridge, Chelsea faced Burnley in what can only be described as a proper football match, which is already suspicious. Joao Pedro scored after four minutes, suggesting someone had forgotten to inform the players about the Premier League's new "No Goals Please, We're British" policy. Chelsea held their lead until the 72nd minute when W. Fofana received a red card, presumably for attempting to play football in a football match. Burnley's Z. Flemming equalized in the 90th minute, restoring the natural order of disappointment.
And now for something completely different: a shipping forecast. Aston Villa, fair to moderate. Leeds, fair to moderate. Late equalizer from T. Abraham in the 88th minute, winds northeasterly force 3, visibility good except for the finish. A. Stach had given Leeds the lead in the 31st minute, but this was quickly remedied by the intervention of Abraham, who scored what the Maritime and Coastguard Agency would classify as "a proper goal, steady as she goes."
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition — I MEAN — nobody expects Manchester City to actually win a football match! Their chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise — N. O'Reilly scored twice in the first half, sandwiched around a Newcastle equalizer from L. Hall. This constituted the round's most outrageous display of goal-scoring excess and has been reported to the authorities.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: The previous paragraph has been deemed too exciting. The writer responsible has been sacked. We now return to our regularly scheduled tedium.]
Brighton defeated Brentford 2-0 through goals from D. Gomez and D. Welbeck, which frankly feels like showing off at this point. The Ministry of Silly Walks has reviewed the footage and classified both goals as "regulation movements, nothing fancy, approved for broadcast." This match is not dead, it's resting. Lovely plumage.
The Great Stalemate Exhibition
Crystal Palace 0-0 Wolves. Everton 0-0 Manchester United. Nottingham Forest 0-0 Liverpool. Sunderland 0-0 Fulham. Tottenham 0-0 Arsenal. West Ham 0-0 Bournemouth.
Six matches. Zero goals. The statisticians have filed a formal complaint, claiming these fixtures constitute "taking the mickey." T. Kirk, D. England, A. Taylor, C. Pawson, P. Bankes, and Samuel Barrott presided over proceedings so devoid of incident that several spectators were reported missing, believed to have dozed off and rolled under their seats.
ARGUMENT CLINIC INTERLUDE:
"These weren't stalemates."
"Yes they were."
"No they weren't, they were tactical masterclasses."
"They were stalemates."
"They were not!"
"Look, I came here for an argument about football—"
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did!"
Stock Liga Market Movements
On the Stock Liga exchange, shares responded with the enthusiasm of a dead parrot. Manchester City and Brighton registered modest gains following their victories, while Chelsea, Burnley, Aston Villa, Leeds, and the six teams involved in the Great Goalless Spectacular saw their stocks move sideways faster than you can say "What is the average flight speed of an unladen striker?"
The Stock Liga Portfolio Management Committee (Silly Walks Division) has issued the following statement: "Market volatility remains at levels consistent with watching concrete set. Investors are advised that excitement may cause sudden portfolio fluctuations and should consult their physician before attempting to care about these results."
In conclusion, Premier League Matchday 27 achieved the remarkable feat of making watching grass grow seem like high-octane entertainment. The Department of Sporting Silliness has awarded the entire round a certificate of achievement in the category of "Most Successful Attempt at Putting Everyone to Sleep While Technically Playing Football."
We apologize again for any excitement caused by the two actual goals scored this weekend. Normal service will be resumed next week, weather permitting.